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As a self-empowered dater, you may seem ‘too good to be true.’ Honest, open and real, your demeanor may throw off a new partner. Here’s why being real looks like a game to the disempowered, and how you can remain calm while they warm to your truth.

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As seen on OPRAH, bestselling author/relationship expert Susan Winter (Allowing Magnificence and Older Women/Younger Men) writes, speaks and coaches on evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Media credits include: THE OPRAH SHOW, THE TODAY SHOW, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABC/CBS/NBC EVENING NEWS, CNN, BBC, COSMO, HARPERS BAZAAR, PEOPLE, GOOD HOUSEKEEPING, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, THE LONDON TIMES, and THE NEW YORK TIMES. In radio, Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, PLAYBOY RADIO (Sirius), and CBS NEWS RADIO. She’s also a contributing writer for THE HUFFINGTON POST, and THE GOOD MEN PROJECT. www.susanwinter.net

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41 thoughts on “Why being real looks like ‘game’ to a new partner — Susan Winter

  1. Bless your heart… I'm so glad I found you! I have been spinning my wheels on line dating, as a 56 year old confidant woman, asking myself what am I doing wrong! Nope it's not me. I was right just be myself. I'll stay true to me… keep going and just leave the door open to possibilities and have fun. Thank you so much for your intelligence and common sence advice. I really needed your voice! Diane

  2. This is essential knowledge for those of us who are done playing games and being confused. Not so long ago I was thinking to myself how so many people seem to want fake people; how the moment I show real, nearly everyone leaves or passes. It felt like I'd been better off faking who I was or something; I thought something was wrong with me, that real me must not be desirable etc.

    Now I understand, those people are just confused and scared of seeing somebody real and can't believe it. They're also unable to handle it and can't reciprocate. Those are also the people I actually need to avoid, and by them avoiding me, they're actually doing me a favor by sorting it out for me. It's like easy answers! Who knew.

    Susan, I absolutely love your videos and content; they've been so eye opening and easy to digest. You have so many answers that I've needed to hear for a long time.

  3. You are 100% right! I have experienced this myself many times, since I entered the dating scene again, but now as a 41 year old woman with three kids, a whole new outlook on relationships, romance, life, and myself, and my own value. When I chat for a short while with a man online, he often says "You must be a bot or something… You dont really exist. Who are you? You are too good to be true, there has to be something weird about this..? What game are you playing with me? Is this some kind of prank..? Who are you…??" They kinda freak out a little…So, I often end up having to have a live videochat with them to PROVE I exist and I am who I say I am. JUST because I am real with them, 100%, no bullshit, no drama, no games, no lies, nothing. I tell the truth right from the very start, in my datingprofile, and I never stray from it. I state exactly what I want and need from my future man, my end goals and desires, and also what I have to offer him, as his future girlfriend. I get MASSIVE response from men, but once they chat with me some of them gets a bit hesitant and afraid, because they can't figure me out. I hear all the time "You are not like any other woman I have ever met…" But hey…I am 41 years old, divorced after 14 years of marriage, looking for true love again. I don't have time for any dumb ass games, so I don't play them myself either. Take me as I am – or dont even bother wasting my time. Needless to say, I am still single after 3 years… 😉 People are sooooo messed up, and if I can't find someone who is "on my level", I guess I'll just stay single.. 😉

  4. Love your video Susan. Thank you, it is Brilliant! I am a gay woman, who recently tried to play the field again, after being left by an ex-partner, who didn't give me a word or explanation. But she just up and left me eight months ago. I took the courage to rebuild myself up after feeling devasted and heartbroken. Despite if the breakup was a fakeup. I tried with a new woman. She seemed to have great qualities and looked put together. But she kept blowing hot and cold with me for eight months. I tried to charm her and show her on Facebook how I could be a potential partner as genuine I tried to present. But the more I was being myself, she kept testing me and throwing me off my frame 😖 so I tried harder and harder. To the point, I started to feel as if I had to prove my worth and my self worth started to make me feel unworthy, proving mentality, insecure like her. I couldn't do it anymore. I started to feel exhausted, sad, and questioning myself when she played the hot and cold 😖 I stepped back. It's eight months of trying. And feeling rejected over and over was making me feel devalued as a person. I don't deserve it 🤧 I deserve someone who can accept me for me. Thank you for your video!

  5. Best advice and video so far. Spot on. I can see the enthusiasm behind the videos and I appreciate it.

  6. I agree. That's the thing. Sometimes when you're real, people won't take you seriously and they hide out like you said. Some of them can think of you as a virgin.

  7. I'm in this very situation, right now. I met a guy that I thought was an absolute breath of fresh air. What drew me to him initially was the fact that he was so calm and cool and collected. I found that very attractive. But whenever he talks about his feelings for me, he becomes like a scared little boy. I'm not trying to rush things with him. I wanted to take things slowly but he has intense feelings that he wants to keep talking to me about. But whenever he does he turns into a totally different person. And he just keeps obsessing about how scared he is to lose me. I wish he would stop that because I really was into him. It's his constant fear of losing me that's going to push me away. I wish he would just be calm, be himself, and let us just enjoy getting to know each other. He has so many great qualities. He's super smart, funny, mature, caring, responsible, a go-getter, etc…. But I'm starting to think he doesn't see any of that at all. And if he doesn't see what he has to offer me, then he'll always be scared that I'm going to leave him for someone else. He'll always wonder how someone like me would be interested in someone like him. Way to self-sabotage. I just want to be with someine who loves themselves, not just me.

  8. Thank you again! Needed to hear this. Had lowered or muted myself due to all these other people being scared of my authentic self. I won't do this anymore 💜

  9. I've always been about Realness and Authenticity, and it's intimidated and pushed away quite a few Women. "Too good to be true" Mentality is sabotaging many folks out Here.

  10. This is exactly what's happening to me! After all I have been through in dating I learned that the key is being real. The man I'm dating in the last year are saying that I'm too good to be true and they are not trusting me.. Somehow they prefer to be with a confusing and toxic people. If you are genuinely beautiful inside and out you get perceived as FAKE. I love the real me and will always nurture that side. Thank you so much Susan for all the knowledge you are sharing. Your energy is beautiful and I'm happy to be on your channel.
    Love ❤️

  11. Truth is evident here because it's like you are talking directly to me and only me. You walk your talk and that is sexy. I'm only saying it but when a woman like you shows up you want to be with her.

  12. This did happen to me. But now I don't want him anymore. I have grown so much and want someone who's on my level.

  13. Susan, before I found your channel I was beginning to think I was an alien. I feel so empowered (and validated) when listening to you. As you've stated before self-actualization is difficult enough. 👌

  14. I was dating a guy a few months ago who would sometimes laugh and say “you have good game” when I would express how I felt about him. He would also say “how do I know what you’re saying is real, and you’re not playing a game”. Of course he was hot and cold. We eventually went our separate ways because it got confusing. Initially, I didn’t understand why he questioned my feelings. Then it clicked, he wasn’t ready for my authenticity. Thank you Susan for the empowerment.

  15. Hi Susan,
    I'm a new subscriber, I ve' been watching you videos for the last month and half
    I really think you are an amazing person and so real, you are helping so many women out there
    Can't get enough of your reading and excellent attitude towards many topics.
    Thank you sooooo much ♥

  16. Thank you for your videos. Otherwise I was starting to feel and think like an odd duck, because I can be and express myself and not have a need to play any games. You are wonderful couch and you have already helped in every way, especially better understanding myself and gaining my confidence back after divorce. Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🌸🌸🌸🌸

  17. Thank you Susan! I have made progress. I use to chase a bit too long, until the ex girl, date, would tell me angrily she doesn't like me anymore etc….the last two, …there has been a change in pattern, …they of course still not sure of me… I communicated clearly, essentially, I said I'm not playing along with any game, I'm moving on…..and they respond with, " we'll talk soon" …Its irritating for me though because I'm a person who likes closure. I thought the other one was just mocking and toying with me, but this new one just did it last week. She put me in the friend zone, I was okay with it, I was just a friend, maybe being more in some regards but not flirting, not romantic at all, just platonic. She started getting verbally abusive, she started pushing me away, …I knew okay this isn't going to work for me. I told her compassionately, it's okay if you changed your mind about being friends, it's okay if you don't want to be friends, I just want to leave on good terms, please take care of yourself and I shook her hand. As I walked away….she said, "We will see each other soon.". …wow two in a row, I guess I made a pattern change. I still should have walked away sooner from both, but I'm getting better.

  18. Yepperz not only am I real and speak my truth, I'm also pretty fun and damn good in bed! As well as financially independent, too. And that seems to make some men feel secretly insecure, doubtful, and withdrawn from committing to me after a few dates. Very sad state of affairs…especially when the majority of men I really am physically attracted to seem to be intimidated or caught red handed with their player-ism lol 😂 🤪☹️

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